| Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix | |
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+14slider_ec SBFRK KickerRex supadave mod4000 cadencesoundq tijuana_no taz Navi STREETBEATZ19 Stingraysevenout mschwitz RitcheyRich OnYrMrk 18 posters |
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OnYrMrk Above Average Contributor
Number of posts : 893 Age : 57 Location : Oklahoma Registration date : 2007-11-04
| Subject: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 8:26 am | |
| CAUTION: LONG POST
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.
I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of colon cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon.
Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife.
I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!"
This was prophetic, for my back side informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. Poop smeared on seat.
4. Poop and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter.
I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone.
As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be.
Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The insane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the crappy day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.
As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about it in public.
My butt let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was
rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my butt cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;and
3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, putrid stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened.
The foul stench of rotting excrement quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate.
This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth.
I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force.
Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor.
But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony:
"Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it...tell the kids... love them... oh God..."followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into thetoilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do.
A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw.
I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to crap in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the can.
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom
Last edited by OnYrMrk on Sat May 09, 2009 8:48 am; edited 1 time in total | |
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RitcheyRich Basic Contributor
Number of posts : 430 Age : 55 Location : Louisiana Registration date : 2009-03-25
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 8:45 am | |
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mschwitz Advanced Contributor
Number of posts : 1125 Age : 46 Registration date : 2007-06-26
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 12:32 pm | |
| That's great. I thought this was just going to be a "I dropped my phone in the toilet" Definitely made me smile. | |
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Stingraysevenout I own this joint!
Number of posts : 6002 Age : 51 Location : College Station Texas Registration date : 2007-06-23
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 3:53 pm | |
| IM crying tooooooooooooooooo way toooo much to finish that story OMG....... I just sharted myself reading what i did....... Thank you for making my day... | |
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STREETBEATZ19 Advanced Contributor
Number of posts : 1333 Age : 41 Location : Omaha (area) Nebraska Registration date : 2008-08-07
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 3:56 pm | |
| that was really freaking long.... | |
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Navi Thats a Lot of Posts!
Number of posts : 3105 Age : 47 Location : Victoria, TX Registration date : 2007-06-25
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 3:59 pm | |
| - Stingraysevenout wrote:
- IM crying tooooooooooooooooo way toooo much to finish that story OMG....... I just sharted myself reading what i did....... Thank you for making my day...
Did the shart making your day or the story | |
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taz Above Average Contributor
Number of posts : 797 Age : 58 Location : iowa Registration date : 2007-06-29
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tijuana_no Above Average Contributor
Number of posts : 709 Age : 61 Registration date : 2007-09-12
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 5:47 pm | |
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cadencesoundq Newbie
Number of posts : 46 Age : 53 Location : fort worth, texas Registration date : 2009-04-06
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 5:52 pm | |
| that was hilarious joe... | |
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mod4000 Advanced Contributor
Number of posts : 1093 Location : Midland Texas Registration date : 2007-06-21
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 6:45 pm | |
| Thanks man. I was having a SH!TTY till this THANKS | |
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supadave Thats a Lot of Posts!
Number of posts : 3745 Age : 42 Location : tupelo mississippi Registration date : 2008-02-28
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 8:00 pm | |
| Wow man that was funny as he'll man if was the guy in the next stall I would be pushing you on an yelling you to give that terd hell plus laughing my azz off | |
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KickerRex Advanced Contributor
Number of posts : 2063 Age : 35 Location : Clarksdale, MS Registration date : 2008-03-05
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 09, 2009 8:38 pm | |
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SBFRK Basic Contributor
Number of posts : 396 Age : 39 Location : Atchison, KS Registration date : 2007-12-11
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sun May 10, 2009 2:28 am | |
| Was wrote like pure poetry-toiletry Almost sounds like shakespear singing in a country song | |
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slider_ec Newbie
Number of posts : 12 Age : 39 Location : Ada, Ok Registration date : 2009-05-05
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Mon May 11, 2009 12:55 am | |
| speechless. purely speechless. lol. | |
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gln305 Novice Contributor
Number of posts : 97 Registration date : 2007-11-11
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Fri May 15, 2009 4:22 pm | |
| I have never read something online and laughed at all......until now. Epic. | |
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Lilredtiva Basic Contributor
Number of posts : 443 Age : 46 Location : Nebraska Registration date : 2007-06-24
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sat May 16, 2009 4:23 pm | |
| Just so you know, work was stopped for like a half an hour because of this post. At least we weren't doing sh!t anyways! | |
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84CRX Basic Contributor
Number of posts : 391 Age : 57 Location : Justin, TX. Registration date : 2007-09-19
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sun May 17, 2009 4:04 am | |
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FUZ-T.C.C. Advanced Contributor
Number of posts : 1433 Age : 46 Location : Kansas City,Mo Registration date : 2009-05-06
| Subject: Re: Cell phones and bathrooms don't mix Sun May 17, 2009 10:49 am | |
| Wow...thats all I can say. | |
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